I'm been feeling kind of blah lately. I get home from work and I am completely exhausted and have literally no energy. I love playing with Raegan, but lately I was enjoying her wanting to watch tv and cuddle with me on the couch, enjoying her sitting next to me playing with the ipad, or watching videos of herself on my phone. Not that any of those things are bad in small segments, but the last few weeks, that's pretty much what we have been doing because I have been completely burned out.
And then of course I was feeling guilty about it. I wasn't taking her outside to play, we weren't going on wagon rides like we usually do, and I wasn't sitting on the floor playing blocks with her or racing cars down the hallway, etc.
Today, I vowed that I WAS NOT going to be LAZY~!
So, after dinner I sat down on the couch (out of a few weeks of a bad habit), and as soon as I sat down, Raegan comes over saying "video video" wanting to watch a video on my phone.
I was like... No, let's go outside, so she ran ever so excitedly and got her shoes and bow (the girl knows what she needs hehe) and we went outside and just played. We chased each other, we played some t-ball, we tossed the ball back and forth, she went down her slide, watched things roll down the slide (dirt, balls, etc) and climbed the mountain (our table). She even pulled a few weeds. She laughed, she giggled, and she filled my heart with so much joy. More joy than I have felt in a long time.
Moments like this evening warms my heart. It puts a memory in my mind which makes a smile come across my face.
It's easy to get caught up in life. It's easy to become overwhelmed with work. It's easy to want to just sit down when you come home from work because you really are soooo tired and wornout. It's easy to want to be lazy. And there is not a dang thing wrong with that, as long as it doesn't become consistent. We of course have to take care of ourselves. Nothing wrong with that. And I do and don't feel guilty for it all at the same time. But I think that is what makes me a mother. I'm real. I am not perfect I have flaws. Nothing wrong with that....as long as you learn from them along the way.
I always promised myself I would ALWAYS have energy for Raegan, and I really ALWAYS have had the energy for her until the last couple weeks. I would of course love her and play with her, but I pretty much wanted it to happen from the comfort of my couch for a few weeks now. It was not normal, and all week I was feeling really guilty about it. Maybe it's because the school year is coming to end and I really am wore out and so many things need to get done these next few weeks. But sweet little Raegan Grace is not tired. She is not worn out. She has more energy than the energizer bunny. All she wants is to be close to me. She wants to help me, she wants to do what I am doing. She doesn't mind sitting on the couch with me, helping me with laundry, sitting in the bathroom while I take a shower or watching me cook. She doesn't mind doing the things I WANT and NEED to do. But dang lately I have been feeling guilty for not doing the things SHE WANTS and NEEDS mommy to do with her (and she can't even talk yet). But tonight, I changed that and it felt really good. I loved to see my baby girl smile (not that she wasn't with some of our easier laid back fun) but I love to hear her laughter. I love to see the amazement on her face. I love spending so much time with her. It was perfect. Call me guilty working mom, but dang if I don't love this sweet child to death.
Dear Raegan Grace,
You fill my heart with so much joy. The way you run away and laugh and laugh as I try to catch you, or the way you ask me for "help" as you get dirt on your hands and you want it wiped off, or the way you climb on the table outside and you want "help up" (which means down). The way you would just smile as you ran for nothing more than to just run in the simple breeze.
Mommy is sorry I have been so tired and haven't really truly played with you in a few weeks. I apologize. One day you will understand where I am coming from, and there is nothing wrong with taking a break and relaxing for yourself. You have to do that, just make sure that after you take care of you you get back to enjoying baby and life in general. It doesn't make a lot of sense right now, but one day it will. You will have a child of your own, and will want to rest. But don't forget your baby needs you do the things she/he wants to do too. Babies grow up too fast, they don't keep. One minute you're holding a newborn, the next thing you know you're chasing a toddler around and their mind is moving a mile a minute. Create memories. Take a step back, enjoy the simple pleasures in life. One day I know you're not going to want to play with me. You're going to want to hang out with your friends, and I must not take any time EVER for granted that I have with you.
I love you Raegan Grace! You are my ever so sweet blessing. Thank You for allowing mommy to rest. For being okay, just sitting on the couch cuddled next to mommy watching videos and playing games, and reading books when mommy needs to just sit and relax. Thank you for helping me do the little things around the house. And thank you for allowing mommy to join in all your own fun too. To enjoy the sweetness of the enjoyment you get out of the very simple things in life like pulling weeds, and putting grass in a bucket, or saying "hi" to the neighbors on the other side of the fence. Thank You my sweet sweet blessing for bringing me back to reality For helping me appreciate the little things in life. God, is already using you for his work. You are such a blessing to me and I thank you for your ever so sweet nature and care free energetic personality! You make me such a better person my sweet girl. Thank you for being your little sweet self and allowing me to appreciate all the beauty in this world God has blessed us with! You are perfect in so many ways and I am beyond blessed to call you my daughter and to be your mommy. As I write this right now it brings tears to my eyes. And it's probably because it's almost midnight and I am still not asleep because it's been weighing on my heart so much lately. Thank You for taking care of mommy while she has been so tired. I'm working on changing more and more everyday. To be the mommy God has called me to be!
I love you to the moon and back forever and always my sweet blessing!
Love,
Mommy
