Friday, June 23, 2017

Time sure does get away from us

Wow, it's half way through 2017, and I haven't written on this blog in YEARS, since 2014 to be exact. This was my digital baby, something that brought me SOOO much joy and excitement. Life was always busy, but somehow I made some ME time here and there to write. But as you can see life got busy and time sped up and here we are.

A lot has changed since I wrote an entry on this blog. A LOT.  BIG CHANGES, and small changes (like a new baby, selling our old house, building a new house, and quitting my job are just a few of those changes). These changes have brought me so much joy, sadness, excitement, and even made tears stream down my face. I'm not even sure how to catch up on here. It's probably not possible, and that's okay. I shall LET IT GO!

The other day as I was strolling through Facebook, I came across a blog entry by one of my favorite designers Joanna Gaines (you can read that entry HERE). I read it with tears streaming down my face as I reflected on being a mother myself. Her first point she wanted to make to all moms is that YOU ARE ENOUGH. What a powerful sentence that I desperately needed to hear. 

There were many days over the past year that had me sitting here wondering AM I ENOUGH? And I found that question seeping in my thoughts constantly.  I could be sitting on the couch with my husband, teaching a math lesson to my students, sitting at Bible study, rocking my baby in the middle of the night, or playing with my five year old, and THAT question would overpower me. By December, depression was seeping in after a stressful year at work, and a reality check baby who kept me on my toes. I mean who can function when you are staying up late, and waking up every few hours with a baby and going to work day after day. I was so tired. And with all my late nights I started to question EVERYTHING: my job as a teacher, my role as a wife and a mother, and most importantly as a child of God. I was literally DROWNING. Every night I would stand in the shower with the water hitting my back, and the tears would just flow down the drain. I felt as if my hands were tied and I just couldn't swim back up. And you know when you are down, the devil likes to keep you there, and it just got worse and worse. I was so WORN OUT. There was NOT ENOUGH OF ME to go around. I couldn't be the best teacher, wife, or mother and it was eating at me so much. I am far from perfect but I strived to be the best I could be and I struggled to find balance daily. I eventually got BURNT OUT and I knew change had to come. At one point it got so bad a dear friend text me one night and said she didn't want to over step any lines but she was worried about me, she could tell I wasn't my usual self. My JOY was deflated. And another friend text me out of the blue saying she could tell something was wrong and was worried about me. WOW! Now those are true sisters of Christ. Those are the types of friends you WANT and you NEED. All you need is one or two of those friends and you'll be good. It's important to have people call you out on stuff so that you can be held RESPONSIBLE in your walk with Christ. We are called to look out for each other and lead. I took those conversations to heart and prayer and discussed how I was feeling to my husband. 

Over time we started to make a plan. A plan that got the ball rolling. We started looking at ways for me to to stay home. With so much stress this past year we both felt I needed a break from work and time to focus on JUST my family. I have always wanted to be a STAY AT HOME MOM but for the past 5 years it just never worked out. But this time, we were determined to make it happen. We spent many nights going over our budget and crunching numbers of how we could make it work on just his salary. We toured private schools (because with Raegan starting kindergarten in the fall, she needed to be at a GREAT school and as an educator that was not something I was willing to give up on). Then we started house hunting as another option because if we were going to spend ALL our money on private school maybe we should just move to a better school district, because when Ansley starts school there is no way we could afford two kids in private school. So we kept weighing all of our options and praying, and eventually decided on a location to move to. We put an offer on a new build, and our house immediately went on the market. And to our surprise it sold SUPER FAST. And a month later we moved in to my mother in laws house in Eastover, because our new house wouldn't be ready for another 2 1/2 months. So here we are, it's summer break now and at the end of the school year, my husband and I packed up my beautiful classroom and stuffed it all in his mom's garage. 

It was bittersweet leaving a job that I LOVE. Teaching is my PASSION. I LOVE IT SOOOO MUCH. And teaching kindergarten was my absolute favorite. The kids I have taught over the years were precious and the relationships I have formed with my coworkers and students are priceless. So I can honestly say after 9 years in the classroom it was very hard for me to say goodbye on that last day of work. I like to think of it more as I will see you later though. Because I do think I will go back in a year or two, or more (if God allows baby #3 one day). Just taking a much needed break. For this season of my life, God has called me to be at home and I will graciously accept this change for the well being of myself and my family. 

But here I am week 3 at my new job (SAHM) and to say its been all unicorns and butterflies would be a lie. HAHA! But when we are living out of boxes and suitcases in a house full of all of our stuff from our old house on top of my mother in law's things it's understandable. We are all anxious to move and get in our new house. I cannot wait to have things put away, and have safe places for the baby to play, and hopefully develop some routines that will keep us all sane. Teacher momma here (once a teacher always a teacher) needs some consistent routines. But I do want to say I am soooo very thankful to God and my husband for this opportunity to focus on my family. When you pray and God answers you MOVE (literally and figuratively). 

But yea, back to the Joanna Gaines blog post. This paragraph really stood out to me when I was reading it..


(Excerpt from Joanna's entry)

What stood out to me, was now that I am staying home those awful thoughts still keep creeping in that I am "not doing enough". That devil sure likes to get in your head, when you start listening to God. On an average day, my husband comes home and he will find the laundry baskets are still overflowing with clothes (at least they are clean), dirty clothes piled on the floor, a tiny path to walk from the door to the couch surrounded by scattered toys and boxes. He will see the sick teething toddler is most likely crying and flinging herself backwards on the floor because God forbid I told her no one more time. And the 5 five year old (who is still in her tumble clothes from yesterday) is probably asking me for the 100th time to do a new craft and instead of dinner being already on the table when he gets home (and no he doesn't expect this I just want to feed my family), I am just now starting to make dinner when he walks in the door. It's crazy, and it's hectic, but you know what it's such a beautiful life. God is sooo good, and I am so blessed. I have everything I need and so much more. This precious season in life will go by so quickly. So I will savor in the meltdowns, the one minute snuggles, and a 5 year old sneaking in my room in the middle of the night. This type of hectic I can handle and I love and cherish.

I know I  want to spend more time on being balanced: time with the girls, taking care of the house, spending time with my husband, friends, and most importantly working on my spiritual wellbeing and getting more plugged in at church. I also need to take time to do what I love and have some "me time" too. I am with Joanna in that I need to be "balanced and energized"...And maybe just maybe I can do a little self care with this blog sometimes. 

But I wrote all of this to say I am working on a better happier me. When the devil tells me I am not enough I will NOT listen to his lies. I am a conqueror through Christ. ... I AM ENOUGH and I am doing enough, and YOU ARE ENOUGH too. The devil likes to make us powerless and tell us we can't withstand the storm, but we can because God has given us authority over the enemy. This battle is already won. And whatever battle you are facing with satan, stand strong in God's Word and know that you can overcome this too. The devil likes to take what we value most (our passions, our jobs, our health, and our family) and use our love and weaknesses against us. But do not give him authority over you. God has this battle and He will move mountains for you. Even when life gets hectic and busy and we are overwhelmed, He will never leave us or forsake us. I have to remind myself of this often. It's easy to get caught up in life and go through the motions, but eventually it all catches up with us and we have to lean on the ONE and ONLY.

"I have set the LORD before me continually; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved" Psalm 15:8

But anyway I have rambled on enough... it only took me all day (Ansley's two naps, and her bedtime) to write this blog entry.

So Go be ENOUGH in HIS NAME! :) And maybe check in with a friend or two and see how they are doing. They may need your encouragement and prayers more than you think. :) Let's try holding each other accountable. 

Much love to all (wish me luck on making future blog posts)

ALWAYS SMILE :)